Thursday, December 30, 2010

Don't leave me hangin'


It's been a bit since I last wrote a blog so let's do a little catch up. Christmas was a lot of fun. Mason went with Laurie, Brenda, and Eryn on a road trip so we had our Christmas a week early. First we went to see Despicable Me (new favorite movie by the way), then home for some burritos and presents. Mason was so tired by the time we got home for presents he could have cared less. The next morning however he was super stoked about all the new toys. For Christmas Eve we went to Jasmine for dinner with the Rogers and Beth, Wally, and Laura. That was the best present ever. Five years ago in that same restaurant Pete asked me to marry him. Everybody was there and we were all reading our fortune cookies. Pete waited until the end. He said, "Mine says Kristin will you marry me?" I was speechless. He held out the ring and said "Hey don't leave me hangin' ". "Oh...yes!" One of the best moments of my life. I can't believe it has already been five years. Ahhhmazing! I'm glad we got to go there for dinner. On Christmas we hung out with the Roger's, ate Costco muffins and watched Despicable Me. It was pretty rad. All in all it was a nice relaxing weekend. Mimi and I decided one of our new Christmas season traditions is watching White Christmas. What a great movie too! It wasn't quite a white Christmas for us but this week, especially today it has been pretty snowy. I LOVE IT!!! I am all about the snow. Things are going pretty good. Clover is cute as ever and I miss Mason's guts. Pete is doing amazing at his new store. I am so excited to see what the future holds. Life is great!!!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Praise You in This Storm


Pete got promoted!!! YEAH!!! I am so stinkin' proud of that man there aren't enough words to express it. He works so hard to provide for our family and I am eternally thankful for him and all he does. Pete deserves this promotion more than anyone I know. It is definitely a new chapter in our lives and I am so excited to have the opportunity to share it with him.

Let's talk about the newest addition to our family. I so love and appreciate having him as a part of my life. He teaches me new things and old things again everyday. I love waking up and seeing his sweet face peeking around the corner bursting with excitement for what the day holds. Lately it has been a bit of a struggle. He has made the choice on a daily basis for the past week and a half to not take a nap. I would have no problem with that except for the fact that he then turns into a child I no longer recognize. He throws fits by the bucketful, talks back, screams at me, pushes every one of Kelton's buttons he can find, and just really struggles to find his happy place. I know this is all a part of his age and self discovery in this very difficult time but geez louise!!! It is not all directly related to the napless days but those definitely contribute. I know when I am tired how much more ornery I get so I can only imagine what it does to three year old. Right now I am taking everyday just one at a time. I feel totally helpless, not at all prepared or capable, and just all around a little bit down. I think every time something happens it make me feel like a failure as a mom. Everyday I look at Mason and tell him how much I love him even when we have these hard days. After every time out I make sure he knows that I love him no matter what. This too will pass. All I can do is my best and continue providing love and support to this sweet little boy. I am so thankful for the support I get from Pete. He blesses me everyday with his strength and amazing attitude towards life! God has brought all of us together; Laurie, Mason, Pete, Clover, and I; for a reason. I am thankful for such a wonderful family!!! Mason is going with Laurie and Brenda on a trip for two weeks in a couple of days. I sure am going to miss his little guts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ype1xE0wzsg This is one of my favorite songs and definitely speaks my heart during trying times. It is called Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns.

On a happier note, we had our little Christmas with Mason last night since he will be traveling. It was a lot of fun. First we went to the movie Despicable Me. Hilarious!!! I love it!!! Then we came home ate burritos and opened presents. Mason got a ton of new things because not only did he get the presents form my parents, grandparents, and Pete and I, he also got a bunch of new stuff from the neighbor across the street. The neighbor has a few grandsons and they have grown out of some their toys so he gave them to us. He gave us a little people farm with all the animals, people, tractors, etc. Also a Mickey Mouse race track with cars included and the entire small soft set of Chuck the Dump Truck and friends. Amazing!!! Mason couldn't decide which one to play with. He just kept going from one thing to the next. How fun!!! It was sweet to watch him. Today is going to be an amazing day, the beginning of an amazing week!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Oh Man!!!

My baby is walking! Wow!!! I just can't even believe it. I keep running over and over and over it in my mind. She is WALKING. She gets so excited after about five or six steps she goes straight forward but really AHHHHHMAZING!!! It's crazy how proud I feel for her accomplishment. I want to tell and show everyone. I took her to Pete's work and then drove to Grandpa's and after that went over to Mimi and John's just to let her show off her latest trick. Is she really old enough for this? Has it been that long that she could pull this off? What happened to that little baby who could barely open her eyes, who slept for hours on end and laid content in my arms? Oh the first time I laid eyes on her my heart melted. A little slice of me and Pete right there in my arms. What a precious little gift from God. Not only is she a walking machine, her first birthday is coming up. This all just blows me away. I just hold tight each precious little moment I have with her, storing it away for a rainy day to play back in my mind as she grows. Remember when....

Monday, November 1, 2010

This is Halloween...

I know I already did a blog today but I just had to do one more. Halloween. What a fun time we had. Saturday was a blast. First we went over to Beth and Wally's for a fearsome Halloween party. What a treat! The kids had a lot of fun and it was great to be able to sit back and enjoy the merriment. Everybody looked awesome in their Halloween costumes. Clover was a little lady bug (she even wore her hat for trick or treating) and Mason was Spiderman shooting countless webs at everyone he met. I sure wish I had some endless web shooting cartridges! After that we went and picked up Laurie then headed over to the Rogers for some trick or treat fun. Mason got awesome webs painted on his face by the lovely talented Mimi Rogers. Thank goodness because if I had tried he might end up looking like a rotten piece of fruit or worse! It was cold and rainy when we went out but that just meant a little bit less candy for some munchkins. Not that they didn't get a ton and I already sample some...Yummy! All in all it was a lot of fun. Pete just laughed at me because normally I am not that into Halloween. We never celebrated it growing up and I never got into it later I guess. This year was different. It is so much more fun when you have kids! I highly recommend it. Costumes, candy, parties, trick or treating what a great day! Pictures will come later since I couldn't find my camera. Thank goodness for everybody else who were prepared to document such a fun day!

Free Falling


Have you ever felt so excited you might explode but so anxious your going to puke your guts out at the same time. That's about how I am feeling. I am so completely excited about adding Mason to our family. He already is but the courts get to say so too and this will be the case on Wednesday. WOW!!! I feel like he completes us for the time being. I am also anxious about being who and what he needs me to be as well as keeping myself open and being what Clover and Pete need as well. I know I can do it I just get to find a balance and roll with the punches. However, I just want everything to be perfect. I want to be the perfect wife, perfect daughter, perfect sister, and perfect mom with the perfect kids with perfect relationships with everyone around us...Can you say perfectionist? There is no such thing as perfect I am quite aware but something in me craves that, almost needs it. I think this was instilled in me when I was younger and so desperate to please and I have never been able to shake it. Over the years that we have been together Pete has helped me to come to terms with a lot of things and accept imperfection as a reality but since we have had children I feel like I have reverted back to the old ways. The funny thing is, when I look at someone who has the image that I want to portray I feel sorry for the kids because they are not able to be kids. They aren't able to laugh and carry on and get dirty or joke or even mess up. I think that as a child these were the expectations for us. My dad was really sick for a long time even to the point of possibly dying without a kidney transplant and this tainted us being able to be kids because he wasn't able to handle the voracity of children. I kind of feel like that my childhood was stolen in a way. Now as I am raising children I desperately want them to be themselves, silly, innocent, priceless little beings but I am so stuck on my perceptions and the past that I am having trouble being everything to them I want to be. I love them with all my heart and only want the best for them. This means I get to do a lot of work to get back to where I want to be. I deserve that and so do they. There is a fun loving free spirited girl in there somewhere and these two sides are going to tear me apart if I don't let the past go and dive freely and fully into the future with my amazing husband, sweet children, and wonderful family. Here's to gettin' CRAZY up in here!!!

Friday, October 22, 2010

So....that's that.


I've been getting very mixed feedback from a lot of people about taking Mason into our home. Most is very positive and encouraging but I am also hearing some very discouraging things. Today I am feeling discouraged. I know beyond anything that this is the right choice. We are doing as God has called us to do. I understand this is not an easy situation for anybody involved. I understand there are many challenges ahead for all of us. I know I have never been in this situation before and don't know exactly what to expect but I am not in over my head. If given direction from God he will not leave you to fend for yourself. The right way is not always the easy way but I am willing to take it and face whatever challenge comes my way. I choose not to forget the negative but focus on the positive to prepare for whatever lies ahead. I am ecstatic that we have been chosen to take this sweet boy into our home. This is something that should be celebrated. Let's surround us all with support and positive feedback instead of criticism. Right now I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and hiding in corner. We all love Mason and want whats best for him and it has been agreed by anyone and everyone that is involved this is what's best for now. We don't know what the future holds but I am still excited to see God's plan for my life, Pete's life, Clover's life, Laurie's life, Mason's life and everyone else I love and cherish unfold, so celebrate what an amazing gift we have been given with me!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Football!!!

I get to go to the football game on Saturday! I am pretty excited. Brenda agreed to take both the little minkeys while we are there. That is pretty awesome because now I don't have to worry about a thing. I haven't been babyless for this amount of time all at once since before Clover was born. It should be fun. Adult conversation, hanging out with my super hot man and his dad and brother. Well, the conversation part might have to wait because I think the guys will be too involved in the game. That's ok. I hope the minkey's are well behaved. They usually are but when they start to get tired all bets are off. Here's to a good time and happy kids!!!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Family Fun









What a fun weekend. Mom, Grandma, and Grandpa came to visit and I sure enjoyed showing off my kids. Pete took Saturday off and we drove up Big Cottonwood Canyon and eventually ended up in Park City. It was a beautiful drive even though on our way down the pass our brakes decided to start smoking. Never had that happen before but I guess when we have the Battleship loaded down with two kids, five adults and some gear it puts a little extra pressure on the brakes. After that we came home and had a delicious dinner with Beth and Wally. Sunday was a pretty relaxed day also. We ended up downtown watching the choir sing and walking around temple square. Mason decided to go in the toilet at Temple Square which was pretty awesome!!! I never thought I would talk about going to the bathroom in the toilet so much or be so excited about it, but man, what a Mommy Rush! I will definitely be excited when he decides that the toilet is way cooler than his diaper. After Temple Square we went back to Beth and Wally's and had naps all around. Amazing!!! Considering I had only slept about 3 and 1/2 hours the night before a nap was definitely in order. Then we all sat around and watched the little munchkins play and talked about ...well I don't really remember but it was way fun. Sam even came over and scared Clover with his beard. So funny! She hates it but eventually she warmed up to him when he helped her walk. That's her all time favorite thing to do right now is walk. In fact Friday night and Saturday night she spent about 20 minutes just using the little red, yellow, and blue car as a walker back and forth across the living room. So much fun to watch. The minute she gets up she gets a huge grin that takes over her entire face then she takes off. Before I know it she's going to be walking all over the place. I figure it can't be much different than crawling. She will still get into everything, but just be upright instead of on her hands and knees. Maybe she won't wear holes in the knees of her pants so much. Mason was super busy with his cars and the awesome track that got built so Uncle Sam was old news compared that. He loves his cars and I mean loves them. Wherever we go he has to have at least one with him but more often than not he brings a handful and leaves a trail of cars to the van because his little hands can't hold the load he wants to bring. It's super cute. Not only does he love them but he is extremely protective of the cars from the babies. You would think they have saliva made of acid that is going to melt his cars the way he gets when they start heading over his way. It is pretty funny. He is getting better though and even occasionally chooses certain cars the girls can play with. He is super soft and loving with Clover. It's really fun to watch them play together. I love having him around. I sure love my family to death and already miss their guts like crazy. We had a cry fest when Pete and I had to go home because that was the end of getting to see my mom and grandparents. I always took for granted the time I got to spend with them before. I have never lived more than an hour away from my mom so this has been a whole new experience. I miss her hugs and smiles and our mommy daughter dates. Some days I just want to pick up everything and road trip back to San Diego for a visit. I love to share my kids with her and am so proud to show them off. I love that everyone got to meet Mason. I am really glad that Grandma and Grandpa decided to come up too. When I was younger I really took them for granted but as I get older I feel the need to get closer and closer with them. It's amazing to me how much of a back seat I put my family in before. Now they are the most important thing in the world to me. If I had the choice we would all live in a family commune, each with their own house but a common meeting place for meals and some good hang out time. I love it when everybody is here. The more the merrier I think. Holidays are awesome because this is the case. Today I am having kind of a mopey day. I think it's the lack of Mommy, Grandma, and Grandpa. Oh well. Onward I guess. Here's to coffee and kids. I probably wouldn't get out of bed without them some mornings.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Confessions




I am not a perfect girl.
I am human too and will fail you often
I don't have hair that stays in place
I don't have the body of a supermodel
I can be a hypocrite
I won't always agree with you but I might make you think so
Don't say you love me to get on my good side
I love to be held
I'm shy
Talk to me be interested be genuine
I'm sensitive
I am creative
Don't lie to me
I love to snuggle
Protect me
I see right through you
I cry
I am a hippie at heart
Food is my weakness
I'm artistic
Sometimes all I want is for you to hold me
I won't make it easy on you
I'm not a princess nor do I aspire to become one
I don't always say the right things
I constantly question who I am, where I am going, and everything about myself
I love with everything I am
I am passionate
Sometimes I sleep with my stuffed bunny
I have a beautiful spirit
My body is filled with scars
Laughter is my favorite medicine
I love nature
I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend
I would rather be behind the camera than in front of it
I am me and that is beautiful

Thursday, October 14, 2010

New Beginnings


I am super excited that my mom and grandparents are going to be here tomorrow! That's right people, they will be here, in beautiful Salt Lake City. Amazing. On a spur of the moment decision, a couple of weeks ago, they decided to drive the 12 hours just to see yours truly and a few other people. I can't wait!!! Did I mention I was super excited?! Anyway, I am also excited for them to see Clover in all her crawling, hand holding walking, toothy glory. She is super animated now and it's definitely time for a visit. Also they get to meet the super sweet new addition to our family, Mason. Crazy! For the time being and forever in my heart, I have a son. He is the most precious little boy one could ask for. I am loving every minute of it. How amazing it is that I get to be a part of all this. I know that one of the reasons we were brought up to Salt Lake was to be able to love and cherish this little boy. I am so grateful that Mason's mom chose Pete and I, out of so many wonderful people, to be able to take in the love of her life. What a journey we are on. I have such an amazing husband. Out of the blue one day as Pete was getting ready for work I decided to bring up what I had been feeling for a little while. To my relief and amazement Pete said, "I feel the same way and I thought that was the plan all along". Really?! Amazing!!! Now here we are. Tuesday we filed for guardianship and our court date is November 3. This is such a blessing. I know that it will be a challenge in many ways but I am ready to face those challenges head on. Bring it! From the moment I met Mason I felt a connection with his little spirit. I know in my heart he is in the right place and I am thankful that those in his life feel the same way. How amazing is it that God can orchestrate things and put people in just the right place at just the right time. Wow! This is such an amazing life!

Monday, September 20, 2010

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.


I love reading the bible. I will go through periods where I won't even pick it up because I get caught up in the craziness of life but it has so many wonderful things that speak to me and teach and encourage me. Lately I have been struggling with not having all the material things I want... a house that we own, not being able to just buy all the toys my kids could ever dream of, clothes that are new and not from D.I., gifts for Pete, etc. Just struggling at times with money. Today I was reading in Ecclesiastes 4-6 as well as 2 Corinthians 12 and it really spoke to this. In Ecclesiastes he was saying basically the richest man is not always the happiest. When we die nothing of this world goes with us. We can't bring to heaven anything that we carry or have worked so hard for...material things, status, anything but a humble heart. As Beth says it all ends up in the landfill anyway. And it does! How amazing and profound that is. It is so easy to get caught up in the things we don't have but when you take a step back and look at all the blessings we have been given life is completely beautiful! Even the trials are blessings. My needs are taken care of. We have a roof over our head, food to eat, clothes to wear, cars to get around town, diapers for our sweet girl, an amazing daughter and family, everything we need has been provided for us. We came up here knowing it was God's plan but having no idea how we were going to support ourselves and low and behold Pete was offered a job that asked him how much he needed to make to support us. Amazing!!! When we needed a bigger car for all the little munchkins God provided a way for that to happen. Even in San Diego when we first got married money was extremely tight. Pete was working as a barista at Starbucks and I was an assistant manager. We could barely cover our bills. One month it came down to paying rent or paying out tithe. Hard decision. After much thought and prayer we decided to pay our tithe not knowing how rent would be payed but confident that somehow we would be taken care of. The next day I received my bonus from work two weeks early and it was just enough to cover the last part of rent that we were missing. Wow!!! My point is we don't need a ton of things to be happy. God is faithful and will always provide. The happiest people in life don't always have the nicest newest things but make the most of what they do have and use the trials to become stronger. Thank you Lord for all that you do and all that you have blessed us with.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Time flies whether you're having fun or getting a good punch in the face!


September 17 already wow!!! We have been in Salt Lake for 7 1/2 months already. I can't even believe it. My sweet Clover Bear will be 9 months old in 5 days!!! How amazing this life is. I love my savior deeply!!! I am so thankful for my relationship with Jesus Christ. Without him I would be lost. He directs my paths. He comforts me, calms me, loves me, and has forgiven me. Amazing!!!

Clover is working on some teeth. It's been a nightmarish four months because of it. Waking up every 1-2 hours is not my idea of good sleep for her or me. Coffee has helped me get through many days. The days are fine it's the nights that kill me. At first I couldn't understand what was going on. At two months old Clover had started sleeping completely through the night then all of a sudden 5 months hit and BAM!!! No more. When I figured it out that she was trying to pop some teeth through ( and by some I mean 6...I wouldn't expect anything less from my little minkey) it gave me some peace because at least there was a reason for the madness. Some nights I was fine but others I was just plain worn out. All I could think about was sleeping. I couldn't want anything more at times. Clover and I spent many nights on the bean bag out in the living room. From there she would go to the swing, then maybe my bed, but rarely her crib. Sometimes I felt like I was losing my mind. Then last week one of the six teeth she is working on popped through and possibly some others but I have a stubborn child who refuses to let me check. Amazing! She only woke up once and spent an entire night in her crib. WHAT?! Sweet...and it keeps happening. Even if she wakes up this past week all I have to do is put in her pacifier and rub her back for a minute or possibly rock her and she is out. I am so appreciating this. Tonight she even let me rock her to sleep. Not once in her 9 months on this planet has she ever let me do that. Usually it's a roller coaster ride to even get my sweet girl to sleep. We have used the following techniques:
1. car
2. rocking her in the car seat
3. swing
4. walking and bouncing
5. letting her cry it out for a couple of hours
6. nursing to sleep
7. music
8. vibrating machine for crib

Probably some others too but I can't for the life of me remember. I am amazed at tonight and the past week. She has been cuddly even. Putting her to bed at night I first get her sleepy then when she is in her crib just sit by it to reassure her that I am not leaving. Sometimes, even though she can barely keep her eyes open, she does the crawl like a dying man in the desert, collapsing a few times before she makes it to the side of the crib then pulls herself up and lays her head on the side until I pick her up. Who can resist such a sweet baby. Then we cuddle until she falls asleep. I am loving every minute of this. I think we may have turned a corner here. Crib and sleep does not equal the devil...say it with me Clover. Let's pray for the best. It is all totally worth it even though there have been a few times (sometimes at 3AM) that I have told Pete over a screaming Clover that we are not having more children ever again!!! However, if I get to have little munchkins as amazing as this one I would do all over again! I just wanted to write that down so I can look back when I am having an off day or night and say "Oh yeah...there are good times too." Sometimes in the middle of it all any memory of a good experience disappears and all I remember are the ones where I am crying as much and as loud as Clover. :)

Thursday, September 9, 2010

This Thing Called Life

It's an amazing feeling to know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in life right now. I always hope I am doing the right thing, making the right decisions, listening to what God has planned for my life and the steps it takes to get there but I am always so uncertain. This morning I just feel an amazing confirmation that no matter what happens I am where I am supposed to be. I never thought I would end up in this place. I've taken so many wrong turns who knew I would be able to untwist the path I had taken and end up right where I am. Amazing how God can take things and use them to bring you to where he wants you even if at times that is on your knees. I wouldn't change how I got here. There have been many highs and definitely some extremely low lows but it has made me who I am. For those of you who don't know my story I will share some of it. At 18 years old, after several years of using a razor to cry tears that never came I decided that life was not worth living and downed a bottle of sleeping pills and chased it with a pint of Guinness. It wasn't my time and by the grace of God I was able to drive myself to the hospital and survived. Not long after I started using alcohol to kill the pain. I loved being numb to it all. This led me to other things and I ended up finding first weed, then ecstasy, meth, and a number of other drugs that made me forget who I was, what I believed, and most of all the emotions that made me human. I spent a few years in a drug and alcohol induced haze and rarely saw my family. I was a mess and when I hit rock bottom I hit hard. I ended up back at home and with the help of my parents I was able to get clean. It wasn't to last. I met a guy and drifted right back into the lifestyle although it was more about the alcohol and weed than anything else. Alcohol was an easy out. After being together for a couple years the guy and I broke up which caused me to fall deeper into the alcohol than I had ever been. It was at this time that I met Pete. He came into my Starbucks after a bender himself and asked me out on a date. It was this day that changed my life forever. I know for a fact that God has a plan for my life if nothing else because I should not be here right now. There were so many times that I know God had to have sent more than one angel to guide me safely through life. believe with all my heart he sent me Pete to share this journey with and to encourage and lift me up when I am down. He is an amazing person who inspires me to better myself. Now we share a wonderful life together with an amazing little girl. Thank you Lord for guiding me and saving me from myself.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

He's got the whole world, in his hands.

PSALM 86
Hear, O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me. Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord; no deeds can compare with yours. All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord; they will bring glory to your name. For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God. Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. The arrogant are attacking me, O God; a band of ruthless men seeks my life—men without regard for you. But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant and save the son of your maidservant. Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

Monday, July 26, 2010

I sure do love his guts!!!


Today is going to be a great day. I am completely refreshed from the weekend. I love those days where I get interaction with my husband. It's hard sometimes to balance baby, work, family, alone time, and everything else that comes along. I want to give him space and wind down time but I also just want to be near him, with him, in his presence. I am madly in love with my husband! It's so amazing to see our relationship develop. It has a totally different dynamic than before we had Clover. Sometimes she makes us work to keep the spice going. It can be trying at times but without the hard times I wouldn't know how good we have it. I miss his guts constantly and when I see him I still get butterflies. He takes my breath away! I am so blessed to be with my soul mate. I truly feel Pete is my soul mate if ever there was one. What an amazing man.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

“Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.”


I get so tired of weight issues, and food issues, and looking in the mirror not liking what I see. Why should I have to count my calories? Why can't I just enjoy my food in reasonable amounts like normal people do? What is the deal?! I am so proud of everyone in the family for taking control of their eating and getting down to business but I just want to hide in a closet, stuffing my face with cheetohs or chocolate or whatever unhealthy, sugary, or greasy junk food I can get my hands on and flip the world the bird. All of it makes me want to scream! The other day someone looked at a recent picture of me and said how good I looked and that you could tell that I've lost weight. Awesome, however I looked at the picture and looking back was a heifer. I have never been a skinny girl but since Clover came around I am at my biggest. I was up to 245lbs in when I gave birth. I am down to 186 so I'm doing something right but dang!!! 245...really!?! I admit I am an emotional eater. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or any other self destructive behavior that I used to do and now to deal with my emotions I eat. Maybe I've never found a way to just feel for the feelings sake but sometimes I just can't deal. I don't want to feel I just want to be. However that in itself is a miserable existence, I've tried it. I want to throw my hands up and just say "I QUIT!!!!!!". I want to be healthy and be a good example to my sweet girl but am I woman enough for this job? I can teach her with my words all I want but actions speak louder than words. You may say, well quit wanting and just do. Easy for you to say. I've been trying to do for the past 27 years. Maybe it will take me another 27. This life has many trials and if this is the worst I'll take it. Someday I will get to where I want to be and maybe today is the day. If not today then tomorrow, or the next day, or the next...

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

It's been over a year since I wrote a blog. Kind of crazy how fast time has gone. Since my last post I have given birth to my beautiful Clover Bear, quit my job, moved to Salt Lake, and started watching Miss Penelope Francis Rogers, among other things. It's been a roller coaster of a ride that's for sure. Some days I don't think I can keep up then others I have the most perfect life ever. My amazing husband got a job up here working in a restaurant 56 plus hours a week to provide for us while I stay home with the girls. I never thought I'd be able to be a stay at home mom and here I am living the dream. This is the hardest job I have ever had but I wouldn't change places with anyone. How amazing that I have the privilege to hang out with Clover all day every day. Not all moms get to do this. Sometimes I miss the freedom of the past but then I realize how amazing all this is. Pete and I created a little person who relies on us for everything. We get to help mold her into the woman she is to become. Wow! The thing I miss most is hanging out just Pete and I. The time we do get to spend together is just that much more precious. I've been sewing up a storm as of late. I found something I am passionate about and I love doing. I love to create and this is a forum that I can and feel like I succeed in doing so. Tomorrow I leave for San Diego o visit. I am so excited. I get pretty homesick here and sometimes feel like I am all alone even though I am surrounded by family. Well a baby calls so that is all for now.