Free Falling

Have you ever felt so excited you might explode but so anxious your going to puke your guts out at the same time. That's about how I am feeling. I am so completely excited about adding Mason to our family. He already is but the courts get to say so too and this will be the case on Wednesday. WOW!!! I feel like he completes us for the time being. I am also anxious about being who and what he needs me to be as well as keeping myself open and being what Clover and Pete need as well. I know I can do it I just get to find a balance and roll with the punches. However, I just want everything to be perfect. I want to be the perfect wife, perfect daughter, perfect sister, and perfect mom with the perfect kids with perfect relationships with everyone around us...Can you say perfectionist? There is no such thing as perfect I am quite aware but something in me craves that, almost needs it. I think this was instilled in me when I was younger and so desperate to please and I have never been able to shake it. Over the years that we have been together Pete has helped me to come to terms with a lot of things and accept imperfection as a reality but since we have had children I feel like I have reverted back to the old ways. The funny thing is, when I look at someone who has the image that I want to portray I feel sorry for the kids because they are not able to be kids. They aren't able to laugh and carry on and get dirty or joke or even mess up. I think that as a child these were the expectations for us. My dad was really sick for a long time even to the point of possibly dying without a kidney transplant and this tainted us being able to be kids because he wasn't able to handle the voracity of children. I kind of feel like that my childhood was stolen in a way. Now as I am raising children I desperately want them to be themselves, silly, innocent, priceless little beings but I am so stuck on my perceptions and the past that I am having trouble being everything to them I want to be. I love them with all my heart and only want the best for them. This means I get to do a lot of work to get back to where I want to be. I deserve that and so do they. There is a fun loving free spirited girl in there somewhere and these two sides are going to tear me apart if I don't let the past go and dive freely and fully into the future with my amazing husband, sweet children, and wonderful family. Here's to gettin' CRAZY up in here!!!