“Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.”

I get so tired of weight issues, and food issues, and looking in the mirror not liking what I see. Why should I have to count my calories? Why can't I just enjoy my food in reasonable amounts like normal people do? What is the deal?! I am so proud of everyone in the family for taking control of their eating and getting down to business but I just want to hide in a closet, stuffing my face with cheetohs or chocolate or whatever unhealthy, sugary, or greasy junk food I can get my hands on and flip the world the bird. All of it makes me want to scream! The other day someone looked at a recent picture of me and said how good I looked and that you could tell that I've lost weight. Awesome, however I looked at the picture and looking back was a heifer. I have never been a skinny girl but since Clover came around I am at my biggest. I was up to 245lbs in when I gave birth. I am down to 186 so I'm doing something right but dang!!! 245...really!?! I admit I am an emotional eater. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or any other self destructive behavior that I used to do and now to deal with my emotions I eat. Maybe I've never found a way to just feel for the feelings sake but sometimes I just can't deal. I don't want to feel I just want to be. However that in itself is a miserable existence, I've tried it. I want to throw my hands up and just say "I QUIT!!!!!!". I want to be healthy and be a good example to my sweet girl but am I woman enough for this job? I can teach her with my words all I want but actions speak louder than words. You may say, well quit wanting and just do. Easy for you to say. I've been trying to do for the past 27 years. Maybe it will take me another 27. This life has many trials and if this is the worst I'll take it. Someday I will get to where I want to be and maybe today is the day. If not today then tomorrow, or the next day, or the next...