He's got the whole world, in his hands.

PSALM 86
Hear, O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me. Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord; no deeds can compare with yours. All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord; they will bring glory to your name. For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God. Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. The arrogant are attacking me, O God; a band of ruthless men seeks my life—men without regard for you. But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant and save the son of your maidservant. Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

I sure do love his guts!!!

Today is going to be a great day. I am completely refreshed from the weekend. I love those days where I get interaction with my husband. It's hard sometimes to balance baby, work, family, alone time, and everything else that comes along. I want to give him space and wind down time but I also just want to be near him, with him, in his presence. I am madly in love with my husband! It's so amazing to see our relationship develop. It has a totally different dynamic than before we had Clover. Sometimes she makes us work to keep the spice going. It can be trying at times but without the hard times I wouldn't know how good we have it. I miss his guts constantly and when I see him I still get butterflies. He takes my breath away! I am so blessed to be with my soul mate. I truly feel Pete is my soul mate if ever there was one. What an amazing man.

“Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.”

I get so tired of weight issues, and food issues, and looking in the mirror not liking what I see. Why should I have to count my calories? Why can't I just enjoy my food in reasonable amounts like normal people do? What is the deal?! I am so proud of everyone in the family for taking control of their eating and getting down to business but I just want to hide in a closet, stuffing my face with cheetohs or chocolate or whatever unhealthy, sugary, or greasy junk food I can get my hands on and flip the world the bird. All of it makes me want to scream! The other day someone looked at a recent picture of me and said how good I looked and that you could tell that I've lost weight. Awesome, however I looked at the picture and looking back was a heifer. I have never been a skinny girl but since Clover came around I am at my biggest. I was up to 245lbs in when I gave birth. I am down to 186 so I'm doing something right but dang!!! 245...really!?! I admit I am an emotional eater. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or any other self destructive behavior that I used to do and now to deal with my emotions I eat. Maybe I've never found a way to just feel for the feelings sake but sometimes I just can't deal. I don't want to feel I just want to be. However that in itself is a miserable existence, I've tried it. I want to throw my hands up and just say "I QUIT!!!!!!". I want to be healthy and be a good example to my sweet girl but am I woman enough for this job? I can teach her with my words all I want but actions speak louder than words. You may say, well quit wanting and just do. Easy for you to say. I've been trying to do for the past 27 years. Maybe it will take me another 27. This life has many trials and if this is the worst I'll take it. Someday I will get to where I want to be and maybe today is the day. If not today then tomorrow, or the next day, or the next...