Oh Man!!!

My baby is walking! Wow!!! I just can't even believe it. I keep running over and over and over it in my mind. She is WALKING. She gets so excited after about five or six steps she goes straight forward but really AHHHHHMAZING!!! It's crazy how proud I feel for her accomplishment. I want to tell and show everyone. I took her to Pete's work and then drove to Grandpa's and after that went over to Mimi and John's just to let her show off her latest trick. Is she really old enough for this? Has it been that long that she could pull this off? What happened to that little baby who could barely open her eyes, who slept for hours on end and laid content in my arms? Oh the first time I laid eyes on her my heart melted. A little slice of me and Pete right there in my arms. What a precious little gift from God. Not only is she a walking machine, her first birthday is coming up. This all just blows me away. I just hold tight each precious little moment I have with her, storing it away for a rainy day to play back in my mind as she grows. Remember when....

This is Halloween...

I know I already did a blog today but I just had to do one more. Halloween. What a fun time we had. Saturday was a blast. First we went over to Beth and Wally's for a fearsome Halloween party. What a treat! The kids had a lot of fun and it was great to be able to sit back and enjoy the merriment. Everybody looked awesome in their Halloween costumes. Clover was a little lady bug (she even wore her hat for trick or treating) and Mason was Spiderman shooting countless webs at everyone he met. I sure wish I had some endless web shooting cartridges! After that we went and picked up Laurie then headed over to the Rogers for some trick or treat fun. Mason got awesome webs painted on his face by the lovely talented Mimi Rogers. Thank goodness because if I had tried he might end up looking like a rotten piece of fruit or worse! It was cold and rainy when we went out but that just meant a little bit less candy for some munchkins. Not that they didn't get a ton and I already sample some...Yummy! All in all it was a lot of fun. Pete just laughed at me because normally I am not that into Halloween. We never celebrated it growing up and I never got into it later I guess. This year was different. It is so much more fun when you have kids! I highly recommend it. Costumes, candy, parties, trick or treating what a great day! Pictures will come later since I couldn't find my camera. Thank goodness for everybody else who were prepared to document such a fun day!

Free Falling

Have you ever felt so excited you might explode but so anxious your going to puke your guts out at the same time. That's about how I am feeling. I am so completely excited about adding Mason to our family. He already is but the courts get to say so too and this will be the case on Wednesday. WOW!!! I feel like he completes us for the time being. I am also anxious about being who and what he needs me to be as well as keeping myself open and being what Clover and Pete need as well. I know I can do it I just get to find a balance and roll with the punches. However, I just want everything to be perfect. I want to be the perfect wife, perfect daughter, perfect sister, and perfect mom with the perfect kids with perfect relationships with everyone around us...Can you say perfectionist? There is no such thing as perfect I am quite aware but something in me craves that, almost needs it. I think this was instilled in me when I was younger and so desperate to please and I have never been able to shake it. Over the years that we have been together Pete has helped me to come to terms with a lot of things and accept imperfection as a reality but since we have had children I feel like I have reverted back to the old ways. The funny thing is, when I look at someone who has the image that I want to portray I feel sorry for the kids because they are not able to be kids. They aren't able to laugh and carry on and get dirty or joke or even mess up. I think that as a child these were the expectations for us. My dad was really sick for a long time even to the point of possibly dying without a kidney transplant and this tainted us being able to be kids because he wasn't able to handle the voracity of children. I kind of feel like that my childhood was stolen in a way. Now as I am raising children I desperately want them to be themselves, silly, innocent, priceless little beings but I am so stuck on my perceptions and the past that I am having trouble being everything to them I want to be. I love them with all my heart and only want the best for them. This means I get to do a lot of work to get back to where I want to be. I deserve that and so do they. There is a fun loving free spirited girl in there somewhere and these two sides are going to tear me apart if I don't let the past go and dive freely and fully into the future with my amazing husband, sweet children, and wonderful family. Here's to gettin' CRAZY up in here!!!

So....that's that.

I've been getting very mixed feedback from a lot of people about taking Mason into our home. Most is very positive and encouraging but I am also hearing some very discouraging things. Today I am feeling discouraged. I know beyond anything that this is the right choice. We are doing as God has called us to do. I understand this is not an easy situation for anybody involved. I understand there are many challenges ahead for all of us. I know I have never been in this situation before and don't know exactly what to expect but I am not in over my head. If given direction from God he will not leave you to fend for yourself. The right way is not always the easy way but I am willing to take it and face whatever challenge comes my way. I choose not to forget the negative but focus on the positive to prepare for whatever lies ahead. I am ecstatic that we have been chosen to take this sweet boy into our home. This is something that should be celebrated. Let's surround us all with support and positive feedback instead of criticism. Right now I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and hiding in corner. We all love Mason and want whats best for him and it has been agreed by anyone and everyone that is involved this is what's best for now. We don't know what the future holds but I am still excited to see God's plan for my life, Pete's life, Clover's life, Laurie's life, Mason's life and everyone else I love and cherish unfold, so celebrate what an amazing gift we have been given with me!

Football!!!

I get to go to the football game on Saturday! I am pretty excited. Brenda agreed to take both the little minkeys while we are there. That is pretty awesome because now I don't have to worry about a thing. I haven't been babyless for this amount of time all at once since before Clover was born. It should be fun. Adult conversation, hanging out with my super hot man and his dad and brother. Well, the conversation part might have to wait because I think the guys will be too involved in the game. That's ok. I hope the minkey's are well behaved. They usually are but when they start to get tired all bets are off. Here's to a good time and happy kids!!!

Family Fun

What a fun weekend. Mom, Grandma, and Grandpa came to visit and I sure enjoyed showing off my kids. Pete took Saturday off and we drove up Big Cottonwood Canyon and eventually ended up in Park City. It was a beautiful drive even though on our way down the pass our brakes decided to start smoking. Never had that happen before but I guess when we have the Battleship loaded down with two kids, five adults and some gear it puts a little extra pressure on the brakes. After that we came home and had a delicious dinner with Beth and Wally. Sunday was a pretty relaxed day also. We ended up downtown watching the choir sing and walking around temple square. Mason decided to go in the toilet at Temple Square which was pretty awesome!!! I never thought I would talk about going to the bathroom in the toilet so much or be so excited about it, but man, what a Mommy Rush! I will definitely be excited when he decides that the toilet is way cooler than his diaper. After Temple Square we went back to Beth and Wally's and had naps all around. Amazing!!! Considering I had only slept about 3 and 1/2 hours the night before a nap was definitely in order. Then we all sat around and watched the little munchkins play and talked about ...well I don't really remember but it was way fun. Sam even came over and scared Clover with his beard. So funny! She hates it but eventually she warmed up to him when he helped her walk. That's her all time favorite thing to do right now is walk. In fact Friday night and Saturday night she spent about 20 minutes just using the little red, yellow, and blue car as a walker back and forth across the living room. So much fun to watch. The minute she gets up she gets a huge grin that takes over her entire face then she takes off. Before I know it she's going to be walking all over the place. I figure it can't be much different than crawling. She will still get into everything, but just be upright instead of on her hands and knees. Maybe she won't wear holes in the knees of her pants so much. Mason was super busy with his cars and the awesome track that got built so Uncle Sam was old news compared that. He loves his cars and I mean loves them. Wherever we go he has to have at least one with him but more often than not he brings a handful and leaves a trail of cars to the van because his little hands can't hold the load he wants to bring. It's super cute. Not only does he love them but he is extremely protective of the cars from the babies. You would think they have saliva made of acid that is going to melt his cars the way he gets when they start heading over his way. It is pretty funny. He is getting better though and even occasionally chooses certain cars the girls can play with. He is super soft and loving with Clover. It's really fun to watch them play together. I love having him around. I sure love my family to death and already miss their guts like crazy. We had a cry fest when Pete and I had to go home because that was the end of getting to see my mom and grandparents. I always took for granted the time I got to spend with them before. I have never lived more than an hour away from my mom so this has been a whole new experience. I miss her hugs and smiles and our mommy daughter dates. Some days I just want to pick up everything and road trip back to San Diego for a visit. I love to share my kids with her and am so proud to show them off. I love that everyone got to meet Mason. I am really glad that Grandma and Grandpa decided to come up too. When I was younger I really took them for granted but as I get older I feel the need to get closer and closer with them. It's amazing to me how much of a back seat I put my family in before. Now they are the most important thing in the world to me. If I had the choice we would all live in a family commune, each with their own house but a common meeting place for meals and some good hang out time. I love it when everybody is here. The more the merrier I think. Holidays are awesome because this is the case. Today I am having kind of a mopey day. I think it's the lack of Mommy, Grandma, and Grandpa. Oh well. Onward I guess. Here's to coffee and kids. I probably wouldn't get out of bed without them some mornings.

Confessions

I am not a perfect girl.
I am human too and will fail you often
I don't have hair that stays in place
I don't have the body of a supermodel
I can be a hypocrite
I won't always agree with you but I might make you think so
Don't say you love me to get on my good side
I love to be held
I'm shy
Talk to me be interested be genuine
I'm sensitive
I am creative
Don't lie to me
I love to snuggle
Protect me
I see right through you
I cry
I am a hippie at heart
Food is my weakness
I'm artistic
Sometimes all I want is for you to hold me
I won't make it easy on you
I'm not a princess nor do I aspire to become one
I don't always say the right things
I constantly question who I am, where I am going, and everything about myself
I love with everything I am
I am passionate
Sometimes I sleep with my stuffed bunny
I have a beautiful spirit
My body is filled with scars
Laughter is my favorite medicine
I love nature
I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend
I would rather be behind the camera than in front of it
I am me and that is beautiful