He's got the whole world, in his hands.

PSALM 86
Hear, O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me. Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord; no deeds can compare with yours. All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord; they will bring glory to your name. For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God. Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. The arrogant are attacking me, O God; a band of ruthless men seeks my life—men without regard for you. But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant and save the son of your maidservant. Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

I sure do love his guts!!!

Today is going to be a great day. I am completely refreshed from the weekend. I love those days where I get interaction with my husband. It's hard sometimes to balance baby, work, family, alone time, and everything else that comes along. I want to give him space and wind down time but I also just want to be near him, with him, in his presence. I am madly in love with my husband! It's so amazing to see our relationship develop. It has a totally different dynamic than before we had Clover. Sometimes she makes us work to keep the spice going. It can be trying at times but without the hard times I wouldn't know how good we have it. I miss his guts constantly and when I see him I still get butterflies. He takes my breath away! I am so blessed to be with my soul mate. I truly feel Pete is my soul mate if ever there was one. What an amazing man.

“Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.”

I get so tired of weight issues, and food issues, and looking in the mirror not liking what I see. Why should I have to count my calories? Why can't I just enjoy my food in reasonable amounts like normal people do? What is the deal?! I am so proud of everyone in the family for taking control of their eating and getting down to business but I just want to hide in a closet, stuffing my face with cheetohs or chocolate or whatever unhealthy, sugary, or greasy junk food I can get my hands on and flip the world the bird. All of it makes me want to scream! The other day someone looked at a recent picture of me and said how good I looked and that you could tell that I've lost weight. Awesome, however I looked at the picture and looking back was a heifer. I have never been a skinny girl but since Clover came around I am at my biggest. I was up to 245lbs in when I gave birth. I am down to 186 so I'm doing something right but dang!!! 245...really!?! I admit I am an emotional eater. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or any other self destructive behavior that I used to do and now to deal with my emotions I eat. Maybe I've never found a way to just feel for the feelings sake but sometimes I just can't deal. I don't want to feel I just want to be. However that in itself is a miserable existence, I've tried it. I want to throw my hands up and just say "I QUIT!!!!!!". I want to be healthy and be a good example to my sweet girl but am I woman enough for this job? I can teach her with my words all I want but actions speak louder than words. You may say, well quit wanting and just do. Easy for you to say. I've been trying to do for the past 27 years. Maybe it will take me another 27. This life has many trials and if this is the worst I'll take it. Someday I will get to where I want to be and maybe today is the day. If not today then tomorrow, or the next day, or the next...

It's been over a year since I wrote a blog. Kind of crazy how fast time has gone. Since my last post I have given birth to my beautiful Clover Bear, quit my job, moved to Salt Lake, and started watching Miss Penelope Francis Rogers, among other things. It's been a roller coaster of a ride that's for sure. Some days I don't think I can keep up then others I have the most perfect life ever. My amazing husband got a job up here working in a restaurant 56 plus hours a week to provide for us while I stay home with the girls. I never thought I'd be able to be a stay at home mom and here I am living the dream. This is the hardest job I have ever had but I wouldn't change places with anyone. How amazing that I have the privilege to hang out with Clover all day every day. Not all moms get to do this. Sometimes I miss the freedom of the past but then I realize how amazing all this is. Pete and I created a little person who relies on us for everything. We get to help mold her into the woman she is to become. Wow! The thing I miss most is hanging out just Pete and I. The time we do get to spend together is just that much more precious. I've been sewing up a storm as of late. I found something I am passionate about and I love doing. I love to create and this is a forum that I can and feel like I succeed in doing so. Tomorrow I leave for San Diego o visit. I am so excited. I get pretty homesick here and sometimes feel like I am all alone even though I am surrounded by family. Well a baby calls so that is all for now.

Burn the Saltines

I wish I could say I love being pregnant but I've been so sick I don't even know what to do with myself. It's kind of funny because my mom and my grandma didn't get sick so I was so sure I wasn't going to get sick then about a week and a half ago the fun started. I'm not puking, which sometimes I think might make me feel better but I'm glad I'm not all the same. My husband is so rad. On those days I burst into tears because I can hardly move I'm so sick and I still have drag myself to work and be friendly somehow he just holds me and tells me if a crack head can do this you definitely can. Good ol' Pete. He does make me laugh. He's not quite sure what to do with all the emotions poor guy!!! At work I start looking at all the children walking around and gurgling babies and I get so excited because we're going to have one of those precious little things. How cool is that?! I'll just be glad when the pukie feelings go away for good. I'm having a good start to my day today so far which is awesome. Maybe I'll clean. My house hasn't been touched in about two weeks. We'll see. I'm pretty excited because on Tuesday we get to go in for the first ultrasound. Baby's first picture. Neat!!!!! Then I'll get a face to the little creation turning my tummy upside down. Everybody keeps telling me to eat crackers but even the thought of crackers makes me want to lose it. I've never been so anti certain foods in my life and saltine crackers especially. Little Penelope June or Repeat or whoever this little one I'm growing is not having crackers aparently!!!! I wonder if that will be something this kid can't stand when it joins us in December. Anyway. I will definitely be excited to move past this part of the pregnancy but I wouldn't miss this experience for anything!

WE"RE PREGGO!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!

Wow!!!! So on Friday Pete and I found out we're going to have a baby! Crazy!! I'm still in shock. I'm so excited. Pete is too. He's so cute. The day after we found out he went and bought two books on pregnancy nutrition, a week to week view of what to expect, a pocketbook of do's and don'ts, two journals, one for my purse and one for my pocket when I don't have my purse to write down ideas or thoughts or whatever, and a photo album to document the progress. Did I mention my husband is awesome!!! We moved the cat box out of the room because I can't come into contact with that at all. Some of the girls at work got us a little cap and booties that look like a bear with ears (PRECIOUS) and one of the girls had a baby not too long ago so she gave me a bunch of maternity clothes. How rad is that. I guess we are off to a good start. I'm going to make an appointment today to see the doctor. Unfortunately our insurance didn't transfer over like it was supposed to after Pete got laid off but there is a ton of free agencies that will help us out at least during the beginning until we can get the insurance situation fixed. No matter if it's a boy or girl I have clothes lined up. Two of the girls at work offered me their baby clothes and one has a boy and the other has a girl. I'm so excited I don't even know what to do with myself. Well I have to go to work but I'll be back!!!

Many have been persecuted even tortured into death but still had faith. My trials may be small but all teh same trials. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me big and small. Even when the small seem to overtake me and become mountains rather than molehills. This is only temporary. I get to spend eternity with my heavenly father. This world I am not of. I have something far greater in store. I will not let this life get me down anymore. I will rejoice in my trials and take strength from my tribulations. I may not know what tomorrow brings but by faith I will stand strong in Christ and know he has a plan for my life. I am not alone.... I will feel every emotion good and bad but move through them rather than become engulfed in them. What Satan means for evil God will use for good. My heavenly father is bigger than any circumstance or depression I may feel. He is bigger and more powerful than those who mean harm against me of this world and beyond. He is my Daddy and I can just crawl up into his lap and sit in his warm embrace basking in his love and radiance. What a powerful wonderful God we serve!!!!