Prayer

It's definitely been a while. Things are going well. The house is amazing. We are so blessed beyond belief. Every morning Clover and I go out to water the plants and then I sit and enjoy a cup of tea, watching my little sweet girl play in her yard while listening to all the beautiful birds. I love it! I love having a place that Clover can play and enjoy the outdoors. I love tending my garden and yard, molding it into something beautiful. It is very satisfying. This is the first time ever that my garden is a thriving healthy place. The plants are green and the tomatoes have little green ones growing already. I use herbs from my herb garden weekly. Its super fun to be able to go out and pluck various things to use in my cooking. Overall I am happy although I am still searching for something. As full as my life is and as blessed as we are I am not quite content. I don't know what it is I am looking for. More children, a purpose in life, a career, education, more things, friends, a different body, I don't know. As I pray about it over and over the answer I get is a deeper relationship with my God.

My prayer:
Lord, Daddy, Abba, Father, I cry out to you today. I am missing something. There is a deep longing in my heart and I don't know what it craves. I try to fill it with things but I have yet to satisfy this longing. Lately I just want to drink and smoke away my thoughts. I am tired of obsessing over things of this world. I am blessed beyond measure with an amazing family, a beautiful home, food on the table, everything I need, but I am still missing something. I desperately long for more. Help me to fill this void. Guide me, show me where you want to take me. Open my eyes. Help me to be content. I love you with all my heart. Please take me in your arms. Let me feel your love. I need you. All I need is you. Thank you.

Love,
your Baby Girl

His answer:
Precious child of mine. I love you immeasurably. I knew you before you were even a thought in your parents minds. I long to spend time with you. Come to me. I will fill your void. Crawl into my lap; I will ease your torment. Study my word and live the life I have given you to its fullest. You are my beloved daughter. I love you with every inch of my being.

Love,
your Daddy

Change...

Wow...I am feeling so incredibly blessed and stressed at the same time. Pete and I are in the process of buying a house. We've been trying for about two months now unsuccessfully and I think it is about to happen. We've put in offer after offer and nothing has panned out. It was shaping up to be like our experience in San Diego and we were ready to give up. That same day, last Friday, things started looking up. Thanks to our parents and grandparents, as well as an awesome tax return we were able to pull together enough money for a down payment and things to get us started in our new house. This last house that we put an offer in on was approved by the the middle manager and we are waiting to hear if his boss approves. It should be in the bag since basically we accepted the terms of the banks counter offer. I am jumping out of my skin waiting. I am ready. We are ready...for our own space, something that we own, a bigger place, land, a garage, and all the things, good and bad, that go along with it. Who ever thought this process could be so stressful! Definitely a journey that I am ready to move on from.

Pete and I also decided that it was time for Mason to move on. We definitely feel like bringing him into our home was the right choice but it is time for some change. After an immense amount of prayer and thought, neither one of us feel like we can be the kind of parents that he needs anymore. I am so thankful for this experience but as with the house journey I am ready to move on. The last 6 months have been full of trials and tribulations as well as joy and laughter. Mark has decided to take in this precious little boy and give him all the love he deserves. I am thankful for the people in my life that have provided so much love and support. This next month will have two life changing events and I can't wait to see what else is in store for my family. Bring it on!

Say What?!

Week one of Weight Watchers went really well. Better than I expected even. There were a couple of days that I decided I was over it on day 3 and 4 but once I pushed through that it wasn't so bad. I am still super pumped about this. And...It's working!!!! I lost the two pounds that I was supposed to and my measurements went down.

Weight: 188 total lost 2 lbs
Arms: 13 inches total lost 0 inches
Hips: 44.5 inches total lost .5 inches
Bust: 41 inches total lost 2.25 inches
Waist: 35.5 inches total lost 2.5 inches
Dress size: 14 nothing changed
Thighs: 26.5 inches total lost 1.5 inches

Oh yeah...uh huh...I got this!!! So anyway. I am really proud of myself. My points have decreased from 31 to 30. Not bad. I am learning what to eat and what fills me up more that has less points so that's good. I don't think I have ever eaten so many fruit and veggies in my life (well maybe when I was a kid and Mommy still fixed my meals) so my body probably loves me right now. I'm not snacking throughout the day like I used to and if I get the munchies at night I load up on a fruit or veggie. This is awesome. I love the feeling of succeeding. I love that my goals are attainable and I am not going crazy trying to accommodate them. 2lbs and some inches down with several more to go but I am on my way!!!

On the Road Again

I am super excited! Yesterday my mom calls me and asks if I would want to join weight watchers with her. She said that if I was interested she would pay for it. I signed up on the spot. I desperately want to be healthy. I know where I am and it is not where I should be. In order to get to my healthy weight I get to lose 35 pounds at least. I feel like that is totally attainable. The first goal we set was to lose 5% of my body weight. So here's to the first 10 pounds. I am super pumped. What an opportunity I have been given. I really like this program because it teaches you how to sustain the weight loss. I get to eat anything I want but in moderation. Each food has a point value assigned to it. For example eggs are given 2 points per egg. I get 31 points per day plus an extra 49 points for the week to use whenever. Say I go out to dinner or to a party (hahah) I have a license to splurge a little. I am doing this all online so I don't have to go to meetings. I love that because with all the monkeys I will more than likely be skipping out on quite a few. This gives me no excuse. Also since my mom paid for it I am even more motivated. Usually I get super gassed up and ready to go and within a week my excitement teeters out. With this when my own motivation runs out I have her to fall back on. I am nervous just because it will be challenging for a little bit trying to figure everything out and keep track of all my food. Once I get past that hump it should just get easier and easier which will lead to a new way of eating and living. There will be some bumps along the way but that is a part of life. YEAH!!! Thank you Lord for my beautiful life which you have blessed me with and this body that is capable of many things. So here's to my health quest! Ready...Set...GO!!!

Starting measurements:

Weight: 190
Arms: 13
Hips:45
Bust: 43.3
Waist: 38
Thighs: 27
Dress size: 14-16

Here We Go!!!

Food addiction. According to Wikipedia it "is characterized by an obsessive/compulsiv relationship to food. An individual suffering from compulsive overeating disorder engages in frequent episodes of uncontrolled eating, or binge eating, during which they may feel frenzied or out of control, often consuming food past the point of being comfortably full. Binging in this way is generally followed by feelings of guilt and depression. Unlike individuals with bulimia, compulsive overeaters do not attempt to compensate for their binging with purging behaviors such as fasting, laxative use or vomiting. Compulsive overeaters will typically eat when they are not hungry. Their obsession is demonstrated in that they spend excessive amounts of time and thought devoted to food, and secretly plan or fantasize about eating alone. Compulsive overeating usually leads to weight gain and obesity, but not everyone who is obese is also a compulsive overeater. While compulsive overeaters tend to be overweight or obese, persons of normal or average weight can also be affected. In addition to binge eating, compulsive overeaters can also engage in grazing behavior, during which they return to pick at food throughout the day. These things result in a large overall number of calories consumed even if the quantities eaten at any one time may be small. When a compulsive eater overeats primarily through binging, he or she can be said to have binge eating disorder." It's not like any other addiction because we need food to survive. You can't just stop eating. Some people eat to live but others live to eat. I fall under the live to eat category. I eat when I am happy, excited, sad, angry, depressed, stressed...pretty much I can use any emotion or situation as an excuse to eat. It's something I've struggled with all of my life but I find as I have shed all of my other nasty addictions the food one bears its ugly head more and more. It's been over a year since I've had Clover and I still haven't shed all the baby weight. I have come to terms with my body and am mostly comfortable in my own skin but I want to be healthy. I don't need a supermodel body just a healthy one. I have been given this strong healthy body and I choose to abuse it instead of nurture and strengthen it. Somewhere this has to end. It has been three days since I started a cleanse to change the way I think about food and give my body a new start. It's going really well. I feel good about all of it. I have modified it a bit to fit my needs. The original Master Cleanse includes no food whatsoever and lasts 10 days. I feel like although this is definitely cleansing it is also hard on my body. It cuts my entire caloric intake to 675 calories a day. My goal here is not to lose weight (although that is a plus but only temporary, once I start eating again it will all come back) but to retrain my body and mind how I think about food. Only last night did I decide to modify it. During the day, which is the most stressful time for me, I have chosen to drink the lemonade from the Master Cleanse instead of eating breakfast and lunch and then have a healthy dinner. Hopefully by not giving myself the option to gorge myself when I am stressed or having a hard day I will be able to break the hold that food possesses over me. I don't feel deprived by any means. Being able to eat a meal at the end of the day really changes my whole mindset. I am not completely cutting myself off and instead of saying NO FOOD I am saying not right now. I tend to do the opposite of what I am told to do. There is something in me that just has to rebel to prove you wrong and that I can do that. "Watch me." Famous last words of mine. At times this has served me well but it can also be a downfall. I am super excited and very optimistic. Right now I am shooting for ten days. Depending on how I am feeling I might go longer but for sure 10 days. I get to do a lot of "soul-searching" with this. I am definitely on a journey and who knows where it will lead but it will take me somewhere and I choose to make that an amazing place.

I have the most handsome husband in the world...

Things are going pretty good. Pete is falling into his new role as a store manager really well. I am so proud of my amazing husband. Today is the actual grand opening so it will be crazy busy. He didn't have to be to work until 10 today but left around 8 because he was so anxious. I don't blame him. He will do great. He has been working like crazy getting settled and everyone ready. I don't envy his 12 hour days. This will only last a couple of weeks thankfully and then I will have my husband back. He hasn't had much time for anything but work and sleep.

I turned both Penelope and Clover's car seats around yesterday. I can't believe how fast things are moving with my little girl. She is just that too, not a baby anymore but a sweet little girl. She can say mama, dada, grandpa, grandma, and sign milk, all done, more, and eat (all of which has popped up only in the last few days except for milk.) She waves goodbye, blows kisses occasionally, and even plants a big wet one on you when you are least expecting it. Clover doesn't crawl anymore but walks all over the place and runs when she feels the urge or is trying to get away. I am blown away by how much she continues to grow and develop. I couldn't be more proud of my kids. Their smiles light up my day.

Mason is cute as ever. He came back from his trip fully potty trained. YEA!!! He loves to wear his big boy underwear. The day before his big trip was the first time he went an entire day in big boy underwear with no accidents. From then on he just decided that diapers were a thing of the past. I am so proud of him and his major accomplishment. At times I thought it may never happen but here we are. He has grown an inch and a half in the past three months. No wonder he has been eating like a horse and his pants are all getting too short. I love the little conversations we have. Sometimes he will ask me three or four times in a row what I am doing just to keep the conversation growing.

I am doing the same old same old. Watching the four kids can at times definitely try my patience. I love being able to stay home though. I think I am going to look into finding something to do for me however. I would really like to get a gym membership. I think that would improve my overall attitude and be a good stress relief. This month it probably won't happen but I think next month it will be a good possibility. I found a counselor for Mason which I am pretty excited about. He has adjusted amazingly but I feel like it will be a good outlet for him. I love these super cold but sunny days. They are so refreshing. I get to go to San Diego Feb 3-7. I am so excited. Clover and Mason are coming with but unfortunately Pete has to work. Sad. Oh well. Next time I guess. I always miss Pete's guts when he isn't around. I kind of like that guy a lot I guess : ) Life is pretty good.

Don't leave me hangin'

It's been a bit since I last wrote a blog so let's do a little catch up. Christmas was a lot of fun. Mason went with Laurie, Brenda, and Eryn on a road trip so we had our Christmas a week early. First we went to see Despicable Me (new favorite movie by the way), then home for some burritos and presents. Mason was so tired by the time we got home for presents he could have cared less. The next morning however he was super stoked about all the new toys. For Christmas Eve we went to Jasmine for dinner with the Rogers and Beth, Wally, and Laura. That was the best present ever. Five years ago in that same restaurant Pete asked me to marry him. Everybody was there and we were all reading our fortune cookies. Pete waited until the end. He said, "Mine says Kristin will you marry me?" I was speechless. He held out the ring and said "Hey don't leave me hangin' ". "Oh...yes!" One of the best moments of my life. I can't believe it has already been five years. Ahhhmazing! I'm glad we got to go there for dinner. On Christmas we hung out with the Roger's, ate Costco muffins and watched Despicable Me. It was pretty rad. All in all it was a nice relaxing weekend. Mimi and I decided one of our new Christmas season traditions is watching White Christmas. What a great movie too! It wasn't quite a white Christmas for us but this week, especially today it has been pretty snowy. I LOVE IT!!! I am all about the snow. Things are going pretty good. Clover is cute as ever and I miss Mason's guts. Pete is doing amazing at his new store. I am so excited to see what the future holds. Life is great!!!